MY SORROW AND MY SMILE
“Mothers do not have obstacles; they don’t fear danger, never fear sacrifice: they silently use to build, day by day, the great miracle of love.” (Father David Maria Turoldo)
I have had very troubled days, while dealing with my daughter Isabella’s disease, which began with a trauma when she realized she had been left by her father at the age of four. She faced the brunt of it at school where she was spurned by children and, unfortunately, also by some teachers and parents. This trauma was again repeated in High school and many more times. In fact, people often labeled her as “different” and could not relate to her easily.
She was born through cesarean section, which left me feeling deeply deceived, as it was impossible for me to see her and hold her immediately. I was sure that hugging my child would have consoled me from so many thoughts I had in those nine months, that were so intense, so troubled. Instead, even that hug, that so many times I imagined and foretasted, had been denied to me: I felt so desperately lonely, without any comforts.
Isabella’s father, though still married to me had left and wasn’t there with us, like all husbands usually do. He never asked to meet our daughter; never asked to see even a picture of her. Now, that he is no more, all I feel for him is compassion and forgiveness.
We had (and still have) so many problems and obstacles to face. Isabella can be so sweet, but she’s also vulnerable, often full of sorrow and sometimes untamable, may be too much for a kind of society that has no pity for those who are considered and labeled as “different”, for those who received a deep wound in their soul when they were small and innocent. In spite of the great challenges we had to face in our environment, we have a small but very important network of loves, and we can count on it, but our path is never full of roses.
I resorted to different techniques of meditation, as well as Laughter Yoga which helped me cope with my situation. Sometimes, I was able to achieve a positive state of mind rather quickly; sometimes I wasn’t able to do it. Nevertheless, like many mothers, I often made mistakes with my daughter: Many times I wasn’t able to understand her; I was sometimes too hard, sometimes too compliant.
I received “lessons” by nearly everyone, often in a very arrogant and assumptive way, as everyone is good in giving suggestions, especially when they are not involved in your sorrow, when they can’t even imagine what you are actually living, when they strongly believe that bad things always happen to bad people. If my mother should tell you about my life, she would say to you that I was very unlucky. But I will say the opposite. Everything happened to me, even an unhappy marriage, a next love I lived and still I’m living in silence, the silliness of those who hurt an innocent child, probably ignoring the psychological damages that these wounds would have made, the obstacles I had and have to face, everything was necessary to come just where I wanted and needed to go. Everything passes, everything changes, and everything has a reason why. The door that is closing in front of you and seems to be a failure could close just to let space for something better.
Dr. Kataria and Laughter Yoga taught me the meaning of inner joy instead of happiness, which is the outcome of our commitment. True joy comes when we are able to give unconditional love. Many little moments are able to create a great joy, as many little imperfections are able to create a perfect harmony. It consists in thanking God or the Universe for what we already have while often, with a selfish attitude, we use to take it for granted.